assalamualaikum w.b.t...
-2017-
Malam ini, one of those rare quiet nights—
scrolling through threads, reading stories about the “toxic” side of healthcare..
And somehow…
it brought me back
to why I chose to stay
My path was once clear—
a diploma, a double degree..
a plan that made sense on paper.
But in between those steps,
I doubted.
I questioned my worth, my place, my ability.
Back in 2017, during my internship - at the same hospital where I later did my HO-ship - I was given a choice:
--continue in the lab, pursue master-PhD…
--or step into the wards
I chose the wards.
as I chose the clinical lane.
as I wanted a future I could see myself living in - clinical works
I stayed close to home, too - hujan emas di negeri orang, lebih baik hujan batu di negeri sendiri.
And somehow… that felt right..
My role back then?
Not much different from a HO.
But I carried myself quietly as “just a student” - too tired to explain the whole double degree journey :D
And yes…
that was where I first met the “toxic” side of this field.
“I don’t like students. Not smart enough.”
“I don’t want anyone less than an MO during my rounds.”
“You don’t deserve to be in this OT.”
Words that came without warning,
without reason I could understand somemore
But somehow…
I chose to see differently.
whenever I was scolded - it reminded me that not everyone treated me that way..
whenever I was rejected - I found another door.
I still remember one senior MO saying,
“It’s okay… baru satu kan untuk today.”
And that was enough.
Alhamdulillah, it was enough.
along the way too —
I met souls that made everything lighter..
Even when they were tired,
they still chose kindness.
“Very good you chose this path..not many would.”
“Come back one day..we’ll work again as a team.”
“It’s never easy..but if you still have the passion, continue. We need people like you.”
Those words…
they stayed.
They grounded me.
They became reasons - when I almost didn’t have any.
Even now,
I may not find those same people again..
Some I’ve crossed paths with during my ho-ship..but I never said anything.
Never introduced myself.
Maybe I overthought it.
But every word, every moment - I still carry them, gently.
And perhaps, that’s why I’m still here..
Yes - there will always be toxic people, in every place, in every system.
But if I can be one of those who are not, if I can add even a little more kindness into this space, then staying - will always be worth it.
last few weeks i met one of those that i pernah jumpa waktu intern
and he still recognized me - which i sangat2 terharu
"finally awak balik jugak sini..betul awak kata nak balik sini..saya ingat awak tak balik dah..dah sambung study ke, awak yg saya kenal dulu even kejap pun, awak jenis yang suka study..moga terus istiqamah study..continue je apa yang awak pernah cakap dulu tu..saya doa as a colleague, nanti ada rezeki kita jumpa again bila awak dh sp too"
and those short meeting, truly added another light in this lane..
moga kita semua dipertemukan dengan orang2 yang baik..moga yang tak sihat tu segera sihat..and moga kita direzekikan menjadi one of those yang tidak menambah gusar hati orang lain..
be nice .
be kind .
xoxo,
yanie
