to a place called 2nd home

assalamualaikum w.b.t...

two months.

it feels strange to think that it has only been two months since i first came here - a place far from home, unfamiliar in almost every way.

back then, it was simply a place i had to go to.
a place i  was posted to.
a place separated from everything familiar, from the people i loved, and from the comfort of home.

came here with uncertainty, carrying only what i needed, not really knowing what these days would bring.

and somehow, somewhere between the long working hours, random conversations, shared meals, exhausting shifts, laughter in between chaos, and the simple kindness of people around me, this unfamiliar place slowly became something else.

it became a place i could breathe in.
a place that started to feel warm.
a place i could call my second home.

along the way, I met so many beautiful souls.

people who were once strangers.
people whose stories i did not know.
people who started with nothing more than a small “hi” in the corridor.

and now, somehow, some of them have become people i look forward to see every day.

from a little hi,
to conversations,
to laughter,
to shared exhaustion,
to checking on one another after difficult days

and eventually, to becoming a small family away from my real family.

perhaps that is one of the most beautiful things about life.
sometimes, we are placed somewhere we never planned to be, only to discover that there are people there whom we never knew we needed.

two months ago, this was just a place far from home.
today, it carries familiar faces, familiar voices, memories, laughter, kindness, and a little piece of my heart.

home will always be home.

but i am learning that sometimes, He gives us another kind of home along the way - built not from walls or distance, but from the people who make an unfamiliar place feel a little less lonely.

Alhamdulillah for the journey.
Alhamdulillah for the beautiful souls i have met.
and Alhamdulillah for turning a place far from home into a place i can now quietly call my second home.

xoxo,

yanie

a new beginning

 assalamualaikum w.b.t...

a new beginning isn't the abscence of fear

it is choosing to move, even while your heart still lingers on the places it once called home

i didn't arrive here with all the answers..

only with a heart full of prayers,

a suitcase carrying pieces of yesterday,

and hope quietly tucked between them..

there is beauty in not knowing.

in allowing life to unfold before trying to understand it;

in trusting that even the roads we never planned

can lead us exactly where we're meant to be..

so here I am -

standing at the edge of another beginning,

grateful for what I've left,

curious about what's ahead,

and gently learning that faith often arrives

long before certainty does.

a new journey .

may it shape me kindly.

may it humble me deeply.

may it lead me exactly where Allah has written my name

till then, i'll keep walking

with faith before answers

with gratitude before understanding

with Allah before everything else

and when in doubt, say bismillah 🤍

xoxo,

yanie

from learning hands to healing one

assalamualaikum w.b.t...

-2017-

Malam ini, one of those rare quiet nights—

scrolling through threads, reading stories about the “toxic” side of healthcare..

And somehow…

it brought me back

to why I chose to stay

My path was once clear—

a diploma, a double degree..

a plan that made sense on paper.

But in between those steps,

I doubted.

I questioned my worth, my place, my ability.

Back in 2017, during my internship - at the same hospital where I later did my HO-ship - I was given a choice:

--continue in the lab, pursue master-PhD…

--or step into the wards

I chose the wards.

as I chose the clinical lane.

as  I wanted a future I could see myself living in - clinical works

I stayed close to home, too - hujan emas di negeri orang, lebih baik hujan batu di negeri sendiri.

And somehow… that felt right..

My role back then?

Not much different from a HO.

But I carried myself quietly as “just a student” - too tired to explain the whole double degree journey :D

And yes…

that was where I first met the “toxic” side of this field.

“I don’t like students. Not smart enough.”

“I don’t want anyone less than an MO during my rounds.”

“You don’t deserve to be in this OT.”

Words that came without warning,

without reason I could understand somemore

But somehow…

I chose to see differently.

whenever I was scolded - it reminded me that not everyone treated me that way..

whenever I was rejected - I found another door.

I still remember one senior MO saying,

“It’s okay… baru satu kan untuk today.”

And that was enough.

Alhamdulillah, it was enough.

along the way too —

I met souls that made everything lighter..

Even when they were tired,

they still chose kindness.

“Very good you chose this path..not many would.”

“Come back one day..we’ll work again as a team.”

“It’s never easy..but if you still have the passion, continue. We need people like you.”

Those words…

they stayed.

They grounded me.

They became reasons - when I almost didn’t have any.

Even now,

I may not find those same people again..

Some I’ve crossed paths with during my ho-ship..but I never said anything.

Never introduced myself.

Maybe I overthought it.

But every word, every moment - I still carry them, gently.

And perhaps, that’s why I’m still here..

Yes - there will always be toxic people, in every place, in every system.

But if I can be one of those who are not, if I can add even a little more kindness into this space, then staying - will always be worth it.

last few weeks i met one of those that i pernah jumpa waktu intern 

and he still recognized me - which i sangat2 terharu

"finally awak balik jugak sini..betul awak kata nak balik sini..saya ingat awak tak balik dah..dah sambung study ke, awak yg saya kenal dulu even kejap pun, awak jenis yang suka study..moga terus istiqamah study..continue je apa yang awak pernah cakap dulu tu..saya doa as a colleague, nanti ada rezeki kita jumpa again bila awak dh sp too"

and those short meeting, truly added another light in this lane..

moga kita semua dipertemukan dengan orang2 yang baik..moga yang tak sihat tu segera sihat..and moga kita direzekikan menjadi one of those yang tidak menambah gusar hati orang lain..

be nice .

be kind .

xoxo,

yanie

when the cold got colder

assalamualaikum w.b.t...

-somewhere-

Some sorrow become so familiar that they no longer look like melancholy at all

They begin to resemble habits

A quiet table in the corner of a café;

A cup held for too long;

A conversation avoided;

A smile given at the right time so nobody asks too many questions

There are people who know how to grieve loudly,

and there are others who learn how to make heartbreak look graceful

The second kind usually sits quietly beside untouched coffee

Not because the drink matters that much,

but because it becomes easier to hold a cup than to hold together everything unraveling inside the chest

So the coffee stays between both hands like a secret no one is supposed to read

And somehow, lately, even the cold coffee feels warmer these days

Warmer than certain conversations that slowly lost sincerity

Warmer than affection that changed its shape without explanation

Warmer than the silence left behind after giving too much of the heart to places that never intended to keep it safe

Perhaps that is why the coffee is never finished quickly anymore.

The ice melts first.

Then the foam disappears.

Then the bitterness settles quietly at the bottom, untouched.

Minutes stretch into hours while the cup remains half full, as though time itself is hesitating to move forward

From the outside, it only looks like someone enjoying a slow evening

Someone lost in thought

Someone tired after a long day

No one notices that the longer the coffee stays untouched,

the heavier the heart probably feels

No one notices how sadness often hides itself in ordinary things

In lingering too long before going home

In staring absentmindedly through café windows while pretending to admire the rain

In replaying songs only because they hurt in familiar ways

In letting drinks grow cold because swallowing emotions is already difficult enough

There is a certain loneliness that does not ask to be understood

It only asks for somewhere quiet to exist

And coffee has always been kind to that kind of sadness

It never interrupts

Never asks why the eyes seem distant

Never questions the silence

It simply waits there patiently, growing colder with every passing thought,

while the person holding it tries to survive another evening without letting the ache become visible

Sometimes the saddest people are not the ones crying openly

Sometimes they are the calmest ones in the room -

the ones who mastered the art of looking composed while quietly breaking apart underneath

The ones who keep saying “it’s okay” because explaining would take too much energy

The ones who laugh softly so nobody notices the exhaustion hidden beneath their voice

The ones who sit alone with coffee long enough for the entire café to change around them

And maybe that is the secret.

Maybe the untouched coffee was never just coffee at all..

Maybe it was a way of delaying the moment of going back to an empty feeling

A way of keeping the hands occupied while the heart struggled to stay steady

A small warmth to hold onto when everything else started feeling unbearably cold

So if someday there is a person sitting quietly before a cup long after the warmth has disappeared,

fingers still wrapped gently around it as though it contains something fragile - 

it may not mean they enjoy cold coffee

It may simply mean they are trying very hard not to let their longing be seen

xoxo,

yanie

from HO to floating MO

assalamualaikum w.b.t...

housemanship ended

no more “posting ke berapa?”
no more counting down postings

---

the adrenaline of not knowing where we will be placed was nervewrecking

but i dont wanna talk more about it

to cut story short, i got ED! <3

did i suddenly wake up the next morning knowing everything?
--of course not.

HAHA.

becoming an MO came with a different kind of realisation:
oh..now i'm actually expected to make decisions. 🫠

kejap je floating..taklama pun..so oke je mana2

tapi i dah ambik medex ed zaman awal ho..maka dengan itu, memang nak ed! 😂

---
back to ED - but this time, different

the department was familiar.
the monitors.
the ambulance calls.
the endless ECGs.
the sound of the resus area.
the “Dr, patient kat bed **…”

all familiar.

except this time -
i wasn't there as an HO anymore.
and somehow that tiny difference felt... huge.
as an HO, there was always someone above you.

you assess.

you present.
you ask.

“Dr, plan macam mana?”

thats it .

anything - "MO saya yg suruh.."

as an MO, suddenly people start looking at you.

“Dr, plan?” - the 'Dr' is you
…
kejap fikir :D

---
i loved not knowing what was coming through the door next.

every patient was different.
every shift was different.
and my brain somehow liked that.

---
i love the chaos - the organized kind of chaos :D

ED is chaotic.
there's no point pretending otherwise.

sometimes five things happen at once.

someone needs a referral.

someone's BP is dropping.
someone needs a procedure.
an ambulance arrives.
the monitor starts alarming.
your phone rings.
and someone casually asks—

“Dr, boleh discharge patient ni?”
:D

but beneath all that chaos, there's actually a system.

you prioritize.
who needs you now?
who can wait?
who looks sick?
who might become sick?
what can kill this patient first?

ABCDE.
Stabilize.
Investigate.
Reassess.
Disposition.

---
i love that ED makes me think

in the ward, most patients already come with a diagnosis.
in ED, sometimes all you get is -

“rasa tak sedap badan.”

you start from almost nothing.

History.
Examination.
Vitals.
ECG.
POCUS.
Bloods.
Imaging.

and slowly you build the picture.
sometimes the diagnosis becomes obvious.
sometimes it doesn't.
and sometimes the most important decision isn't even finding the exact diagnosis.

it's recognizing - this patient is sick.

that part of Emergency Medicine fascinated me

the uncertainty.
the pattern recognition.
the need to make decisions with incomplete information.
and the constant question running somewhere in your head:

what am i missing?

---
and yes… I Love the Adrenaline

there's a particular feeling when a critically ill patient arrives.
everyone moves.
monitor on.

IV access.
Bloods.
Airway.
ECG.
POCUS.
Drugs.
Someone calls the referral.
Someone prepares equipment.

and somehow, without needing many words, everyone knows their role.
for those few minutes, the entire team is focused on one thing - keeping this person alive.\
that feeling is difficult to explain to someone who has never stood inside a resus bay.

it's stressful.
sometimes frightening.
sometimes exhausting.

but when a patient who arrived crashing eventually becomes stable enough to leave your resus bay...there's a quiet satisfaction in that.

not that i saved this patient.
but - we gave this patient a chance.
and i think i fell in love with that.

---
ofcourse, loving ED doesn't mean every shift is beautiful

some shifts were horrible.
sometimes the department was overflowing.

sometimes I was tired.
hungry.
mentally drained.
sometimes I made decisions and later replayed them repeatedly in my head - 

-was that the right call?
-should I have done something earlier?
-did I miss anything?

and sometimes there were patients we couldn't save.
those cases always felt heavier.

so no -
loving emergency doesn't mean loving every moment of it.

---
somewhere between HO and MO…
i think ED changed for me.

now i wasn't only learning how to manage patients.
i was learning how to make decisions.
how to prioritise.
how to communicate.
how to lead when necessary.
how to ask for help without feeling that asking meant i wasn't good enough.
and how to accept that being an MO doesn't mean knowing everything.

it means taking responsibility for finding the safest next step.

---

the noisy department.
the unpredictable shifts.

the endless ECGs.
the resus bay.
the adrenaline.
the teamwork.
the uncertainty.
the tiny victories.
the heartbreaking losses.

---

choose a place where you found a peace in the middle of a chaos

xoxo,

yanie